Mom gets to visit Jake in the NICU

Since I was still recovering from the c-section I wasn't able to go and see Jake in the NICU. I really wanted to see him, but knew that it wasn't an option. As the first very long day drew to a close I realized that I still felt pregnant! The fact that I hadn't really been able to see Jake had made the experience like a dream. Having a c-section was so different from my other deliveries. As soon as all of the girls were born I was able to hold them and nurse them and instantly fall in love with them. It was wonderful to see Jake in the operating room, but it was for such a short time! I really missed holding him! I think in order for me to still try and feel close to Jake my mind had to pretend that he was still with me. It was weird. As I thought more about this I began to worry. I wasn't sure how long it would take for me to recover and how long Jake would be in the NICU. I didn't know when I would be able to see him. I have heard so many stories of women who do not bond with their babies and have a hard time connecting and so forth with their newborn children. I started to panic that since I hadn't held Jake and didn't even feel like he was born that I would have some of those same issues! I talked to Josh about it and we both decided that I would try really really hard to go and see him the next day. I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me to have the strength to get up in a wheel chair and go see him. I think it wasn't until the 3rd day or so, but I felt very blessed and strengthened (I was in a lot of pain!) to be able to get up and go visit him in the NICU. It was difficult, but Josh pushed me in the wheelchair and I was able to go in and see my new son!

Since being in the NICU no one had held Jake since he was so fragile. As soon as I saw him I asked immediately to hold him. I wasn't sure what my answer was going to be, but I knew that I wanted him in my arms. I was so grateful that the nurses said yes! All of my earlier fears were completely washed away when I held my little Jake for the first time. There was an instant bond and I felt so grateful to have my little angel on earth, in my family and in my arms for the first time. All I could think about was what Kayla had said about him the first time she had seen him..."he is perfect!" Those were my words and thoughts and I was just hooked. All of the pain and struggle and discomfort was even more worth it now being able to see this sweet blessing from above.
After I was able to hold him for a bit, Josh was able to hold him too. It was just wonderful! I was able to try and nurse him for the first time as well and it was just a wonderful experience. I couldn't stay too long, but from then on I made as many trips to see him as possible. It was the highlight of my days! I sure love this little boy and I am so grateful that Josh and I are able to have him as part of our family.